because cancer sucks

Anyone who knows me even a little bit, knows that I love my sleep. So the typical all nighter that seem so inherent to the college lifestyle is something I know I would never be able to accomplish. I have tried on several occasions (especially during finals week) to stay up and finish all my work, but no matter how much I have to get done, around 130am I am done. I am physically incapable of pulling an all nighter.. except for one night of the year, the night of Relay for Life. I don't care how tired I am, how much I value my sleep, or how much caffeine I have to ingest to help me stay awake, I somehow manage to walk all through the night because cancer sucks. It's as simple as that.

I remember when I was younger and my older sisters used to participate in Relay for Life with their high schools, and I was always so jealous they got to go spend an entire night with their friends while I had to stay at home. And then my older sister, Alyson, went to college and being the incredible woman that she is, took it upon herself to become a co-chair and plan the event herself. All the while, I never really understood how important this event was, why my sisters went back every year, or why Alyson was so passionate about making her Relay the best possible...until I participated last year.

For those have not heard of Relay For Life, it is an event sponsored by the American Cancer Society in which participants dedicate their entire night (cancer never sleeps so neither should we), to walking around a track and raising money to fight back against a disease that affects so many people. Relay and the American Cancer Society celebrate those battles against cancer that have been won, remember those that we have lost, and fight back against the cancer that is affecting people now and will affect people in the future. To try to explain the emotions that are encompassed inside the gymnasium on the night of Relay is almost impossible. It is this indescribable mix of joy, sorrow, and hope that has changed my view on a lot of things, especially this disease I have come to hate with every fiber of my being.

Cancer sucks, bad. It has affected too many people I love, and forced me to say goodbye before I was ready too many times. Cancer has made me see the strongest people I know brought to tears, and it has opened my eyes to this whole different world filled with sorrow and desperation. But it has also introduced me to the American Cancer Society and enough hope that makes the world of many cancer patients and families go round. It brought me to Relay for Life and it taught me never to take anything for granted. It showed me that life is too short, and that bad things happen to good people no matter how much I wish they didn't. Cancer made me realize how naive I was and snapped me right out of my blissful ignorance which sucked, a lot. But the American Cancer Society came into my life and filled all the little cracks in my seemingly broken heart. I watched the survivors walk the first lap of last year's Relay and I realized that there is something so beautiful coming from this really awful thing. There is a hope that not even cancer can take away and Relay for Life showed me that.

 I learned so much last year through my participation in Relay for Life, but most of all it taught me how lucky I am. Lucky that I am healthy, lucky that I have an incredible support system to help me through a night that was really difficult for me, and lucky that even though I had to say goodbye to my friends too soon, it wasn't before they changed my life in the best way possible. I am lucky to have known them, to have been touched by their beauty, and to have been introduced to this organization. Cancer sucks, but little by little the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life is making it suck just a little but less. I cannot wait to see what this years Relay for Life has in store for me and my team, and I can't wait to be back in that gymnasium surrounded by that indescribable sorrow, joy, and hope. 

It's not too late to join a team, donate, or simply pray for those affected and those walking :) http://main.acsevents.org/goto/kelseyhau

home is wherever I'm with you

There is something to be said about knowing where you came from, where you grew up, where you feel a sense of belonging. Moving around a few times when I was growing up was both a blessing and a curse, but never once did I feel like it hindered me in any way. Sure when my dad told me I would be moving my junior year in high school I threw a fit that ended somewhere with “I am not going,” but in the end, I always sort of loved moving. Getting to go to a new place where no one knows you and completely getting a fresh start is something that people barely get to experience once in their lives, and I was fortunate enough to get it several times. Consequently I probably learned to avoid my problems and run from most of issues, but I cherished getting to reinvent myself with each new school I attended, forgetting those things that I didn’t want to share anymore and holding on to the characteristics that I loved about myself and wanted others to see most.

When my parents told me I was moving to Texas, I (in my typical dramatic fashion) thought my whole world was ending. Little did I know that I would come to absolutely adore the “middle of nowhere, piece of crap” town that I so maturely called Fairview when we first decided to live there and that the thought of leaving it behind, much like I left so many other cities behind, is a little bit heartbreaking these days. Leaving Phoenix I told myself I would never find another home. I loved my high school, my friends, my life in Ahwatukee, and I strongly believed that it would always be home for me to return to. And now three years later I can’t even imagine going back there. Returning to Arizona for Easter break is exciting, but not because I am going “home.” I am ecstatic to see my grandparents and Aunt’s family because it has been far too long, but when it comes to the actual physical place of Phoenix, I really have no ties anymore. I can’t even picture myself as a student here, even though it really wasn’t that long ago. I know that is how it is supposed to go. I grew up, I moved on and that’s normal… people move on. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t absolutely terrify me, especially with the upcoming move away from Texas.

 I never want to forget who I was in Texas. I never want to forget the people I loved, the people that came into my life and changed every single bit of me and who I am. I know I am equipped with so many memories, some so vivid it feels like just yesterday I was experiencing all of them, but I also know that at one point in my life I felt that way about Arizona, and with that probably about New Jersey as well.  I’m scared that one day I will wake up and when someone asks me where I’m from my go to answer isn’t going to be Dallas. And I am scared that I won’t feel that sense of belonging, of being from somewhere and being able to call it home again. Once again I am faced with all these conflicting emotions about moving and getting a fresh start because I know there are a lot of things that I would love to escape from Texas. It would be so nice to be able to walk into a new kitchen and not be struck by the vivid memory of me sitting on the kitchen counter crying to my mom as I told her that Anna passed away. I would love to be able to drive into my garage and not think about the night before I left for Marquette, saying goodbye to my best friend and other half, and knowing that him and I would never share the same relationship no matter how hard we tried. There are so many bad memories scattered all throughout town and constantly waiting to pull me back to that moment in time that I would love to not to have to be constantly reminded of. But what if by not having those constant reminders, I forget who I have become because of all the things I have been through? I like to think that I am a better person because I knew Anna, because I loved Kyle, and because of everything that happened in Texas, and I don’t want time or distance to change that.

  Hopefully in time I figure out how to hold onto memories without letting them run my life, but still allowing them to continue to help make me a better person. I am going to miss Texas with every part of me, but I know there are better things out there for my family and for myself.  Deep down, I know Philadelphia is going to be a wonderful new adventure for the Haus and that everything is gong to work out. I know that because I can look around at my family and we are all living proof. We’ve done this before and it is going to be no different this time. Just because I can’t pinpoint one specific place where I grew up and there may not be one house that I can say was home, I know I have been incredibly blessed because my family was the only home I ever needed. Together we have been able to figure it out before and there is really no question that we will be able to do it again no matter how scared or sad we are. 

finding myself

"not until we are completely lost do we begin to find ourselves" -Henry David Thoreau 

Once again I have completely failed about posting in a timely manner, and I apologize. Truthfully the last few months have proven to be incredibly difficult for me, and I couldn't find much "hope" to write about. As time continues to pass, I was beginning to grow increasingly frustrated with how much I was still struggling in my life. After my train wreck of a freshman year, I got so wrapped up in just surviving and making it through the day, that I realized it had been a really long time since I had truly enjoyed my day, loved my life. And thats a hard realization to have when it is has been over a year and you still can't seem to find the strength to get through the week. Lucky for me, I have an amazing support system that held me up when I didn't have the strength on my own, but even still the last couple months haven't been my most optimistic and hopeful. Needless to say, I saved everyone a lot of really depressing posts by choosing simply not to write.

That being said, I am ecstatic to be back and ready to blog again. After spending time at home for the holidays, I realized (with the help of old friends) how much of myself I had lost by trying so hard to be "strong" like everyone believed I was. Then coming back to Marquette for second semester, I knew I had to make some serious changes to the way I was handling things. I wanted to start enjoying my time in college and stop simply willing myself to survive the 14 hours the elapsed between the time I woke up and the time I was able to crawl back into bed again. I'm not perfect, and I still have a very long way to come, but I firmly believe that I am on the right track, to finding the love and happiness that I know I can eventually have back in my life.

The semester has been a dream come true for me. I have been so blessed to get to see a lot of my family, which doesn't happen often. They have already been to Milwaukee two weekends, and next weekend I will meet them in NYC for an entire week. Add that to my amazing friends who gave me a birthday that I will remember forever, and I know that I have finally found the perfect people to share my life with. Lord knows we have had our ups and downs, but when it comes right down to it. They are the only ones who have stood by my side through everything, no questions asked and no ultimatums given. They have loved me unconditionally and I could not ask for a better support system.

I have so many amazing opportunities coming up in my life, interviews for incredible internships, dancing for a team I love in the Women's Big East Tournament and then cheering on our men in New York City. I am sad it has taken me so long to finally realize how much I have going for me, how much I have to be so happy about, but I know things are going to be changing in the next weeks... hopefully for the better. Thank you all for bearing with me as I try to work through the grief and the sadness. Thank you for continuing to read and for checking back daily to see if I have posted again. If anything has come from all of this, I think I have truly found myself, the self I am supposed to be and through it all I never lost hope. Even on the worst nights, I knew this day would finally come. A day when I could finally say I am okay, and truly mean it. It may have taken me a lot longer than I ever expected, but I think I have finally made it to a solid place where I can firmly believe that everything is going to be alright. :)



Once again my "you're-gonna-get-through-this" song... now in acoustic version!

growing up

It's hard to believe that I have almost completed yet another semester of college, but here I am studying for my last few finals and starting to pack my suitcase to go home for Christmas. To say these last few months have flown by is an understatement, I feel like we were all just studying for midterms and I certainly don't feel like we've been here long enough to be taking finals already. Nevertheless, here we are and in my efforts to procrastinate studying just a little longer, I have spent a significant amount of time thinking about how much I have grown up, and panicking because of it.

My older sister, best friend, and hero these past couple years called me on Friday radiating happiness because she had finished her very last class as an undergraduate. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for her, but I can't imagine being here without her. Kaitie and I have always been close because of our age, and I can't actually seem to wrap my head around the fact that next semester she will be a "real person" teaching a class full of 1st graders and starting a life separate from mine. We have always done everything together: danced together, gone out together, gone to school together. I know I still have one more semester with her in Milwaukee, but I don't really think going out for pizza together on Thursday nights is really going to fit into her big girl teaching schedule. 

I just want a remote control so I can pause life, just for a little bit. I don't think I'm ready to grow up, and I am certainly not ready for Kaitie and the rest of my sisters to grow up. As we were all together in Chicago for Thanksgiving, it really got me thinking about how different our lives have become. Its hard to imagine that the 6 troublemakers who used to tear down State Street in search for Santa at Marshall Fields have become future lawyers, teachers, and moms. Our happy little family of 8 has grown to 10 and is now spread across 4 different states and while I am more blessed and happy than ever, I am terrified about what is to come as we all continue to grow up. 

While I am still waiting on the invention of the remote control for life, I can't wait to get back to Texas and spend my break laughing around the table with my sisters and playing with my niece and nephew. I am so thankful that we have yet another holiday in which we are all together, even though I know these times together are winding down. Even better this year, in order to celebrate my Grandma's birthday our entire extended family will be joining us the weekend after Christmas. Just like old times, I can't wait till all the Hau's are reunited for the holidays once again :)

welcome to the dark side

To say this is a post I never thought I'd be writing is an understatement, a post talking about my introduction to life as a sorority girl. Anyone who knew me in high school, knows how skeptical I was of Greek life and I am sure they are all sitting there right now saying "I told you so." Freshman year I watched as all my friends vented about recruitment and then celebrated with pictures of bid day complete with matching shirts, bows, and lots of "throw what you know" hand signs, and I sat there thinking, never me. Fast forward a really long and difficult year of me trying to find my place at Marquette and all the sudden I am on the phone with my mom explaining to her that I was on my way to my first recruitment event.

Honestly, the whole situation comes down to good timing. I was invited to do informal recruitment, thanks to some heavy bragging by close friends of mine already in sororities, and it just happened that I didn't have any former commitments to dance or work that weekend. Add that to a pretty emotional week in September and me looking for any distraction I could find, I found myself standing around a crowded sorority house talking about myself. And I don't care how cheesy it sounds, as soon as I stepped foot in the little blue house on the corner of 17th and Kilbourne, I knew I was home. For the first time in a really long while, I felt like I had found the place I truly belonged. As I sat around talking with other education majors, other girls that volunteered on weekends, other girls that had recognized me from church on the week nights, I knew that there was no question about whether or not this was the place for me and luckily the sorority felt the same.

Still a little skeptical of the Greek life, I walked into my pledging ceremony on September 17. Anyone recognize that date? After spending all day willing myself through the one year anniversary, I was greeted with hugs from strangers when a close friend of mine pulled me aside and told me that she loved me, a simple gesture that many other girls in the sorority picked up on and immediately knew this day signified a lot more than a pledging ceremony for me. I was immediately pulled aside by a few girls that I had never spoken to in my life. They told me that they had no idea what was going on, but that they were always there for me. And they have held to their word 100%. The girls of the Alpha Xi Delta sorority have completely wrapped their arms around me and supported me through things they aren't even aware of. 

Six weeks in and I already feel like I have been apart of this family for a lifetime. So yes I have become that cliche sorority girls who raves that her big is the best, because she honestly is, and claims that AXiD has changed my life, because it has. It is such a blessing to be accepted for all my flaws, all my past, and all my hopes for the future, and trust me these girls know the worst of it. I am still getting used to walking around in letters and using the term "sisters" to describe anyone but my five sisters, but I truly am counting my blessings and thanking God that I was led to this organization. 

productive procrastination

Having my computer at work is a dangerous thing. I always come with the highest expectations of starting papers and finishing homework, and then suddenly I've spent three hours online shopping and checking all my social media 15,000 times....because that is so necessary and productive. This morning my website of choice was Pinterest. While I am not going to try and argue that this was a valuable use of my time, I really did find a lot of inspiration as I was flipping through the different boards. Between all the completely unreasonable clothing items, unrealistic wedding dreams, and delicious recipes that I will never be able to make, there were a lot of quotes/songs/pictures that show the hope that other people see and use in their everyday lives. Naturally, I thought I would share :)

I love, love, love this quote and I think it is so important for everyone to remember. People will not always remember what we do or say, but they will remember how we make them feel. Everyone has the opportunity to make or break someone else's day, so be good to people.

This is something that I saw and was instantly brought to tears because I truly have never looked at loss this way. And it is such a beautiful way to look at it. I am a firm believer that lost loved ones are with us always, they will always be a part of who I am and who I will be. I love the thought of them as my little link to heaven. 

This next quote is something that I have to remind myself of every single day. It is so easy for me to get impatient, especially when I am having a bad day. I can't tell y'all how many times I have thought "when are things going to get better?" I know my time will come though, I know things will eventually get easier. I just have to stay focused on the fact that just because things are hard now, they won't always be. Timing is everything

Finally, my favorite picture that always makes me smile. I don't care if you are not a dog or a baby person, this picture is adorable. And a little reminder that laughter and smiles can unite everyone. Also a smile can make someones day :) I hope everyone has an incredible and hopeful weekend! And if your week hasn't been the best, hang in there. Your time will come, things will get better. 

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance" 

everything's gonna be alright

So it is official, I survived the endless week that I never thought I would make it through. It wasn't easy and I am thanking God everyday that it is over, but I once again was able to make it through thanks to the love and support that surrounds me. The amount of phone calls, supportive texts, and chocolate (sweets) I received last monday was so much that it brought me to tears many times, and I honestly will never be able to thank you all enough. I am seriously blessed beyond imagine to have such a strong and incredible group surrounding me to hold me up when I can't do it on my own anymore. I knew this anniversary was going to be the hardest for me, and I wasn't wrong. Monday sucked, it sucked a lot, and Tuesday pretty much sucked too. But it has been a week and I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I never stop missing Michaela and with her all the other angels we have lost this past year, but I know I have to keep going because that is what she they would want. 

Amongst the outpouring of support I received all week was a song link that a friend of mine sent me, which has now become my "theme song" for the rest of this month. I will be the first to admit that I have my doubts about Justin Bieber. My little sister as well as many of my girlfriends are obsessed, but I have never really been able to get into it. This song though is perfect and happy and just makes me smile. And let's be honest, sometimes we all need a little extra something to make us smile. Its been my go to when I am feeling down all week long.

I hope everyone is having a blessed, happy week and finding hope in everything! :)