my year of love.

If I could choose one word to describe my year it would be love; finding my way back to love, learning to love myself, choosing to walk away from love, discovering the unconditional love that surrounds me everyday. 2013 was a year full of a lot of ups and downs for me, but through it all, love, in so many different forms, flowed constantly and kept me steady.  

I began the new year on the heels of a year full of healing. 2012 was about finding my way back to the happy go lucky, carefree teenager I was before my freshman year in college. Throughout the year I realized that even if I couldn’t go back, I was finding a new way to deal with it all and finding a new version of myself. My goal for 2013 was to take that healing, take the new Kelsey, and fall back in love with my life. Stop surviving, and start living. I went back to Marquette for my second semester of my sophomore year and things started falling back into place for me. I threw myself into dance, my sorority, being a college student and slowly the days stopped seeming endless. Everyone used to tell me that one day you would wake up and just start feeling better. I called bullshit every single time, until I did. I just woke up one day and realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I had a bad day, which in retrospect is really incredible because there was a long period of time where the dark days far surpassed the good ones. I woke up and I realized that the “new Kelsey” was someone that was so loved, and in turn found a way to love myself again, all the broken pieces included. Slowly loving life and loving myself didn’t seem like such a task, it came easy. And with that loving someone else came easy too.

As cheesy and stereotypical as it sounds, my summer was one filled with the magic of love. I got to spend the summer with my high school sweetheart, my best friend, my first love, and my other half. I spent the entire summer and beginning of my junior year filling in all the broken pieces of my heart with new memories with him. Meeting his family, going on amazing adventures, planning our futures, reminiscing on our past – we crammed it all into an amazing six months. Most of all though, he taught me to believe again; believe that love exists, that it has the power to heal, to change your life for the better and to make you question how you ever survived without it. I got to spend my year in that kind of love, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world. As summer turned to fall and we went back to our respective schools and lives, we both learned the harsh lesson that even the most magical love doesn’t always stand the tests of time and distance, but it doesn’t take away anything from the impact his love had on my life.

By the time the calendar hit November, love had already taken over 2013 and changed pretty much everything. The last couple months I have been pleasantly surprised time and time again when I realize how much love surrounds me everyday. I always knew I had an incredible family who loved me unconditionally, but this year I got to live with my best friends and witness their unconditional love. I took an opportunity and changed pretty much everything I had planned for my future, and when I expected everyone to tell me how crazy I was, I was met only with kindness and support. 

Who knew that in a span of 365 days love could consume my life so much? Falling back in love with my life was definitely not an easy process, but the results are unlike anything I could have imagined. It is such an incredible feeling to read my writing from this time last year and see how much things have changed, in a good way. So here’s to the last 365 days, 12 months, 52 weeks, 529600 minutes. Thanks to the people that have filled my life with so much love and taught me to love in a much better way. I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store. 

because the sun keeps rising

A little over a year ago, I wrote my first blog post in the hopes that sharing my story would be the first step in healing my very broken heart. I remember writing, and backspacing, and crying, and really having no idea how to convey everything that I was feeling, but I also remember knowing that I had to keep writing, because with each story I told, each post I published, I was taking control of everything that was happening and somehow figuring it all out. My first post was titled "the sun will rise again." Whenever anything bad happened, most people would respond by telling me that tomorrow is a new day, that things would get better. It sounds like good advice, but it's also really hard to take when it seems impossible to get through the next hour- let alone an entire day. Either way though, I knew deep down that things would get better. I would wake up the next morning and little by little things would start looking up, they had to. Sadly in Milwaukee the sun does not shine a whole lot, but it always rises whether or not I see it. The clouds of depression and grief ruined a lot of really sunny days for me, but I knew that one day things would be better. and I held on to that when I couldn't find anything else to hold on to. 

It's kinda surreal to sit in my dorm room a year later and think about everything that happened last year. In a lot of ways it feels like just yesterday, but in others it feels like a lifetime ago. It is so hard to admit sometimes. I love Marquette and my life in Milwaukee, and it is difficult to think about how bad things were freshman year. I wanted so desperately to be a normal college student who moved in on the first day freshman year and had the time of her life, never looking back. Even still I don't know how I let things get so bad, how I let grief get the best of me over and over again. Somehow I made it though. The sun kept rising, and slowly things really did get better and better like everyone told me they would.

I'd like to say I am 100%, but I know I still have a long way to go. I also know that I have incredible people and opportunities in my life, and I have a long list of angels to thank for that, for guiding me along the right path, and for keeping me strong even when I didn't want to be. There are a lot of things I still need to figure out, a lot of unknowns and a lot of growing left to do. But I do know that next year will be better, I know that the sun will keep rising, and I now know that I am strong enough to get through my darkest days.

 In the last year I have spent a lot of days hoping for a better tomorrow, I am happy to say that I think I have finally found it. 

because cancer sucks

Anyone who knows me even a little bit, knows that I love my sleep. So the typical all nighter that seem so inherent to the college lifestyle is something I know I would never be able to accomplish. I have tried on several occasions (especially during finals week) to stay up and finish all my work, but no matter how much I have to get done, around 130am I am done. I am physically incapable of pulling an all nighter.. except for one night of the year, the night of Relay for Life. I don't care how tired I am, how much I value my sleep, or how much caffeine I have to ingest to help me stay awake, I somehow manage to walk all through the night because cancer sucks. It's as simple as that.

I remember when I was younger and my older sisters used to participate in Relay for Life with their high schools, and I was always so jealous they got to go spend an entire night with their friends while I had to stay at home. And then my older sister, Alyson, went to college and being the incredible woman that she is, took it upon herself to become a co-chair and plan the event herself. All the while, I never really understood how important this event was, why my sisters went back every year, or why Alyson was so passionate about making her Relay the best possible...until I participated last year.

For those have not heard of Relay For Life, it is an event sponsored by the American Cancer Society in which participants dedicate their entire night (cancer never sleeps so neither should we), to walking around a track and raising money to fight back against a disease that affects so many people. Relay and the American Cancer Society celebrate those battles against cancer that have been won, remember those that we have lost, and fight back against the cancer that is affecting people now and will affect people in the future. To try to explain the emotions that are encompassed inside the gymnasium on the night of Relay is almost impossible. It is this indescribable mix of joy, sorrow, and hope that has changed my view on a lot of things, especially this disease I have come to hate with every fiber of my being.

Cancer sucks, bad. It has affected too many people I love, and forced me to say goodbye before I was ready too many times. Cancer has made me see the strongest people I know brought to tears, and it has opened my eyes to this whole different world filled with sorrow and desperation. But it has also introduced me to the American Cancer Society and enough hope that makes the world of many cancer patients and families go round. It brought me to Relay for Life and it taught me never to take anything for granted. It showed me that life is too short, and that bad things happen to good people no matter how much I wish they didn't. Cancer made me realize how naive I was and snapped me right out of my blissful ignorance which sucked, a lot. But the American Cancer Society came into my life and filled all the little cracks in my seemingly broken heart. I watched the survivors walk the first lap of last year's Relay and I realized that there is something so beautiful coming from this really awful thing. There is a hope that not even cancer can take away and Relay for Life showed me that.

 I learned so much last year through my participation in Relay for Life, but most of all it taught me how lucky I am. Lucky that I am healthy, lucky that I have an incredible support system to help me through a night that was really difficult for me, and lucky that even though I had to say goodbye to my friends too soon, it wasn't before they changed my life in the best way possible. I am lucky to have known them, to have been touched by their beauty, and to have been introduced to this organization. Cancer sucks, but little by little the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life is making it suck just a little but less. I cannot wait to see what this years Relay for Life has in store for me and my team, and I can't wait to be back in that gymnasium surrounded by that indescribable sorrow, joy, and hope. 

It's not too late to join a team, donate, or simply pray for those affected and those walking :) http://main.acsevents.org/goto/kelseyhau

home is wherever I'm with you

There is something to be said about knowing where you came from, where you grew up, where you feel a sense of belonging. Moving around a few times when I was growing up was both a blessing and a curse, but never once did I feel like it hindered me in any way. Sure when my dad told me I would be moving my junior year in high school I threw a fit that ended somewhere with “I am not going,” but in the end, I always sort of loved moving. Getting to go to a new place where no one knows you and completely getting a fresh start is something that people barely get to experience once in their lives, and I was fortunate enough to get it several times. Consequently I probably learned to avoid my problems and run from most of issues, but I cherished getting to reinvent myself with each new school I attended, forgetting those things that I didn’t want to share anymore and holding on to the characteristics that I loved about myself and wanted others to see most.

When my parents told me I was moving to Texas, I (in my typical dramatic fashion) thought my whole world was ending. Little did I know that I would come to absolutely adore the “middle of nowhere, piece of crap” town that I so maturely called Fairview when we first decided to live there and that the thought of leaving it behind, much like I left so many other cities behind, is a little bit heartbreaking these days. Leaving Phoenix I told myself I would never find another home. I loved my high school, my friends, my life in Ahwatukee, and I strongly believed that it would always be home for me to return to. And now three years later I can’t even imagine going back there. Returning to Arizona for Easter break is exciting, but not because I am going “home.” I am ecstatic to see my grandparents and Aunt’s family because it has been far too long, but when it comes to the actual physical place of Phoenix, I really have no ties anymore. I can’t even picture myself as a student here, even though it really wasn’t that long ago. I know that is how it is supposed to go. I grew up, I moved on and that’s normal… people move on. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t absolutely terrify me, especially with the upcoming move away from Texas.

 I never want to forget who I was in Texas. I never want to forget the people I loved, the people that came into my life and changed every single bit of me and who I am. I know I am equipped with so many memories, some so vivid it feels like just yesterday I was experiencing all of them, but I also know that at one point in my life I felt that way about Arizona, and with that probably about New Jersey as well.  I’m scared that one day I will wake up and when someone asks me where I’m from my go to answer isn’t going to be Dallas. And I am scared that I won’t feel that sense of belonging, of being from somewhere and being able to call it home again. Once again I am faced with all these conflicting emotions about moving and getting a fresh start because I know there are a lot of things that I would love to escape from Texas. It would be so nice to be able to walk into a new kitchen and not be struck by the vivid memory of me sitting on the kitchen counter crying to my mom as I told her that Anna passed away. I would love to be able to drive into my garage and not think about the night before I left for Marquette, saying goodbye to my best friend and other half, and knowing that him and I would never share the same relationship no matter how hard we tried. There are so many bad memories scattered all throughout town and constantly waiting to pull me back to that moment in time that I would love to not to have to be constantly reminded of. But what if by not having those constant reminders, I forget who I have become because of all the things I have been through? I like to think that I am a better person because I knew Anna, because I loved Kyle, and because of everything that happened in Texas, and I don’t want time or distance to change that.

  Hopefully in time I figure out how to hold onto memories without letting them run my life, but still allowing them to continue to help make me a better person. I am going to miss Texas with every part of me, but I know there are better things out there for my family and for myself.  Deep down, I know Philadelphia is going to be a wonderful new adventure for the Haus and that everything is gong to work out. I know that because I can look around at my family and we are all living proof. We’ve done this before and it is going to be no different this time. Just because I can’t pinpoint one specific place where I grew up and there may not be one house that I can say was home, I know I have been incredibly blessed because my family was the only home I ever needed. Together we have been able to figure it out before and there is really no question that we will be able to do it again no matter how scared or sad we are. 

finding myself

"not until we are completely lost do we begin to find ourselves" -Henry David Thoreau 

Once again I have completely failed about posting in a timely manner, and I apologize. Truthfully the last few months have proven to be incredibly difficult for me, and I couldn't find much "hope" to write about. As time continues to pass, I was beginning to grow increasingly frustrated with how much I was still struggling in my life. After my train wreck of a freshman year, I got so wrapped up in just surviving and making it through the day, that I realized it had been a really long time since I had truly enjoyed my day, loved my life. And thats a hard realization to have when it is has been over a year and you still can't seem to find the strength to get through the week. Lucky for me, I have an amazing support system that held me up when I didn't have the strength on my own, but even still the last couple months haven't been my most optimistic and hopeful. Needless to say, I saved everyone a lot of really depressing posts by choosing simply not to write.

That being said, I am ecstatic to be back and ready to blog again. After spending time at home for the holidays, I realized (with the help of old friends) how much of myself I had lost by trying so hard to be "strong" like everyone believed I was. Then coming back to Marquette for second semester, I knew I had to make some serious changes to the way I was handling things. I wanted to start enjoying my time in college and stop simply willing myself to survive the 14 hours the elapsed between the time I woke up and the time I was able to crawl back into bed again. I'm not perfect, and I still have a very long way to come, but I firmly believe that I am on the right track, to finding the love and happiness that I know I can eventually have back in my life.

The semester has been a dream come true for me. I have been so blessed to get to see a lot of my family, which doesn't happen often. They have already been to Milwaukee two weekends, and next weekend I will meet them in NYC for an entire week. Add that to my amazing friends who gave me a birthday that I will remember forever, and I know that I have finally found the perfect people to share my life with. Lord knows we have had our ups and downs, but when it comes right down to it. They are the only ones who have stood by my side through everything, no questions asked and no ultimatums given. They have loved me unconditionally and I could not ask for a better support system.

I have so many amazing opportunities coming up in my life, interviews for incredible internships, dancing for a team I love in the Women's Big East Tournament and then cheering on our men in New York City. I am sad it has taken me so long to finally realize how much I have going for me, how much I have to be so happy about, but I know things are going to be changing in the next weeks... hopefully for the better. Thank you all for bearing with me as I try to work through the grief and the sadness. Thank you for continuing to read and for checking back daily to see if I have posted again. If anything has come from all of this, I think I have truly found myself, the self I am supposed to be and through it all I never lost hope. Even on the worst nights, I knew this day would finally come. A day when I could finally say I am okay, and truly mean it. It may have taken me a lot longer than I ever expected, but I think I have finally made it to a solid place where I can firmly believe that everything is going to be alright. :)



Once again my "you're-gonna-get-through-this" song... now in acoustic version!

growing up

It's hard to believe that I have almost completed yet another semester of college, but here I am studying for my last few finals and starting to pack my suitcase to go home for Christmas. To say these last few months have flown by is an understatement, I feel like we were all just studying for midterms and I certainly don't feel like we've been here long enough to be taking finals already. Nevertheless, here we are and in my efforts to procrastinate studying just a little longer, I have spent a significant amount of time thinking about how much I have grown up, and panicking because of it.

My older sister, best friend, and hero these past couple years called me on Friday radiating happiness because she had finished her very last class as an undergraduate. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for her, but I can't imagine being here without her. Kaitie and I have always been close because of our age, and I can't actually seem to wrap my head around the fact that next semester she will be a "real person" teaching a class full of 1st graders and starting a life separate from mine. We have always done everything together: danced together, gone out together, gone to school together. I know I still have one more semester with her in Milwaukee, but I don't really think going out for pizza together on Thursday nights is really going to fit into her big girl teaching schedule. 

I just want a remote control so I can pause life, just for a little bit. I don't think I'm ready to grow up, and I am certainly not ready for Kaitie and the rest of my sisters to grow up. As we were all together in Chicago for Thanksgiving, it really got me thinking about how different our lives have become. Its hard to imagine that the 6 troublemakers who used to tear down State Street in search for Santa at Marshall Fields have become future lawyers, teachers, and moms. Our happy little family of 8 has grown to 10 and is now spread across 4 different states and while I am more blessed and happy than ever, I am terrified about what is to come as we all continue to grow up. 

While I am still waiting on the invention of the remote control for life, I can't wait to get back to Texas and spend my break laughing around the table with my sisters and playing with my niece and nephew. I am so thankful that we have yet another holiday in which we are all together, even though I know these times together are winding down. Even better this year, in order to celebrate my Grandma's birthday our entire extended family will be joining us the weekend after Christmas. Just like old times, I can't wait till all the Hau's are reunited for the holidays once again :)

welcome to the dark side

To say this is a post I never thought I'd be writing is an understatement, a post talking about my introduction to life as a sorority girl. Anyone who knew me in high school, knows how skeptical I was of Greek life and I am sure they are all sitting there right now saying "I told you so." Freshman year I watched as all my friends vented about recruitment and then celebrated with pictures of bid day complete with matching shirts, bows, and lots of "throw what you know" hand signs, and I sat there thinking, never me. Fast forward a really long and difficult year of me trying to find my place at Marquette and all the sudden I am on the phone with my mom explaining to her that I was on my way to my first recruitment event.

Honestly, the whole situation comes down to good timing. I was invited to do informal recruitment, thanks to some heavy bragging by close friends of mine already in sororities, and it just happened that I didn't have any former commitments to dance or work that weekend. Add that to a pretty emotional week in September and me looking for any distraction I could find, I found myself standing around a crowded sorority house talking about myself. And I don't care how cheesy it sounds, as soon as I stepped foot in the little blue house on the corner of 17th and Kilbourne, I knew I was home. For the first time in a really long while, I felt like I had found the place I truly belonged. As I sat around talking with other education majors, other girls that volunteered on weekends, other girls that had recognized me from church on the week nights, I knew that there was no question about whether or not this was the place for me and luckily the sorority felt the same.

Still a little skeptical of the Greek life, I walked into my pledging ceremony on September 17. Anyone recognize that date? After spending all day willing myself through the one year anniversary, I was greeted with hugs from strangers when a close friend of mine pulled me aside and told me that she loved me, a simple gesture that many other girls in the sorority picked up on and immediately knew this day signified a lot more than a pledging ceremony for me. I was immediately pulled aside by a few girls that I had never spoken to in my life. They told me that they had no idea what was going on, but that they were always there for me. And they have held to their word 100%. The girls of the Alpha Xi Delta sorority have completely wrapped their arms around me and supported me through things they aren't even aware of. 

Six weeks in and I already feel like I have been apart of this family for a lifetime. So yes I have become that cliche sorority girls who raves that her big is the best, because she honestly is, and claims that AXiD has changed my life, because it has. It is such a blessing to be accepted for all my flaws, all my past, and all my hopes for the future, and trust me these girls know the worst of it. I am still getting used to walking around in letters and using the term "sisters" to describe anyone but my five sisters, but I truly am counting my blessings and thanking God that I was led to this organization.