"once you choose hope, anything is possible"

Saturday, July 21, 2012

opening old wounds

This last week I had yet another of my infamous talks with my mom, just about how everything has been going. I finally admitted to her and to myself why this summer has been so hard on me. Being back in Dallas, back in my old room with my old job and my old friends, has made me reflect on how much I have changed this last year. I am a completely different person and it has been so difficult to be reminded everyday of the carefree, naive person that I used to be. With the reflection on my change comes all the memories that I have worked so hard to repress for the last year, and then the realization that I haven't really been dealing with my grief at all, just hiding it until something else happened to remind me. 

Since our conversation I have thought a lot about well, basically everything; life, love, loss, the list goes on. As I tried to regain a grasp on everything, a familiar bible verse came into mind.This bible verse was first introduced to me when my friend, Anna, began her fight against cancer and the 1 Million 4 Anna prayer chain was established. It was her favorite bible verse and one that the whole foundation has adopted as inspiration in times of difficulties. Over the past 18 months I have recited the verse often and have drawn strength from it as well as from the memory of the beautiful girl that held the verse so near to her heart. Despite seeing and saying it on a daily basis, I haven't truly reflected upon what these simple words mean until now.
Be Joyful in Hope: I have said it before and I will say it again, I am SO blessed to have the family and friends that I do. I am surrounded by so much love and support that I am continually amazed on a daily basis. I know I can handle any difficulty that is thrown at me simply because I have incredible people to help me up when I cannot do it on my own. I am joyful knowing that everything will be okay in the end, everything will find a way to work out. I have had to rely on my hope to get through troubling times in the past and I will continue to do so. I find so much happiness in the hope of tomorrow and the future that I am working towards.


Be Patient in Affliction: Hard times don't last forever. It is as simple as that. Eventually this will pass, eventually things will be okay again. You just have to get through each day, because days become weeks, and weeks become years. Before you know it, you're looking back on the year and thinking "I made it." I have to be patient with myself knowing that there will be bad days despite all the good days, and that is okay. 


Be Faithful in Prayer: I was born and raised Catholic. I have went to church every Sunday, prayed before every meal, and had a rosary by my bed for as long as I can remember. It wasn't until more recently that I truly learned to rely on my faith, and it amazes me that I ever got through the days before. My faith has been my rock, and without it I honestly do not know how I would convince myself to get out of bed every morning. There is so much hope and promise in prayer, knowing that there is someone up there looking out for me and listening to my pleas. 


Maybe coming home to Dallas has opened old wounds and brought back memories that I am not sure I want anymore, but my past has made me who I am. As much as I wish I could forget, I know that I cannot. Now all that's left to do is work towards accepting my past, but still hoping on the future.