"once you choose hope, anything is possible"

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

milestones.

If someone were to ask me what I wore yesterday or even what I ate for breakfast, I would have no idea. I have the worst memory and I am the queen of mentally blocking myself from things I don't want to remember. Bad dates, failed tests, nights gone wrong, conversations ending in tears; no recollection. Honestly, I use my lack of memory as a coping mechanism. It is really great sometimes NOT to be able to remember every embarrassing, sad, or difficult moment. But one day stands out in my memory so vividly, one day that no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to shake.

I remember everything about September 17, 2011. I remember what I wore and that I went outside with my hair wet only to realize that it was the first chilly day of fall. I remember who I spoke to, what I had for lunch, and that my best friends surprised me by buying me coffee that morning. I remember that I was supposed to be at the Al Maguire Run but that I had slept through my alarm. I can tell you that I changed my outfit three times that day, that I got lost trying to drive downtown to dinner, and I can recite to you every conversation I had that day. But what I remember most was the tearful phone call from my baby sister, the three words that literally stopped my world, "Kels, Michaela died."

Since Michaela has died, every milestone has been a hardship. First we counted the weeks, and every saturday I would wake up with a heavy heart knowing that it had been one more week since she had left us. And then months passed until all of the sudden it was 2012, a year that Michaela would never live in. Now we're about to approach the one year milestone, and I'm honestly speechless. I remember sitting in my room after the phone call and thinking there is no possible way I could do this anymore, and now all of the sudden I have willed myself through an entire year of having to live without Michaela.

Michaela was one of those people that everyone loved. Brutally honest, she had a way of making me laugh even if I didn't want to. My entire senior year is filled with memories of us spending our lunch hour together with our friends, and constantly leaving the room in tears because I had been laughing so hard. I wish I would have embraced it more back then, I wish I would have kept in touch better after we left for school. Coming up on this huge milestone has made me think so much about everything she has missed, everything she will never get. I wish I could tell her how everything turned out. During our special "C" lunches we used to all just sit and talk about our problems. I wish I could tell her that it all worked out, that my mom's better than ever after the accident, that I love Marquette, and that after she passed away I spent an incredible year with the boyfriend she never thought would work out. I wish I could go back to that last Facebook message she sent me, and tell her how much she meant to me. I wish I would have known that was the last time we would talk, because I have a lot I never got to tell her.
The truth is, I miss her everyday. Yes milestones are harder, but when I wake up on the 17th I am not going to miss her anymore than I did on the 16th or will on the 18th. Everyday without her sucks. After she passed away everyone told me it gets easier with time, but a year later I am not really seeing how it gets easier. I still want to rewind the clock, I still wake up wishing that this has all been a nightmare, I still turn on my phone or computer expecting a message from her. I don't know when it gets easier, I don't know when the missing her stops. But I do agree with everyone on one thing, everything happens for a reason. I am struggling with that statement now more than ever, but I know something more has to come from this. I know something good has to come from all this loss, all this bad. So even though all I want to do for the next week until this year milestone comes is sit in bed and cry, I am going to get up every morning and keep looking for that reason in all of this. Because anyone who knew Michaela knows she would have some sarcastic comment and be pissed if she found out I was feeling sorry for myself. 

My thoughts and prayers are with her family and closer friends this week, as they always are. My lunch time with Michaela is something I will always cherish, but I do know that she had closer friends, and I cannot even imagine what they are going through this week, what they have went through this year. I do know that we are all so lucky to have known her though, to have had time with her, even if it was cut way too short.

Rest in Paradise beautiful angel, can't wait to see you again on the other side <3