"once you choose hope, anything is possible"

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

finding myself

"not until we are completely lost do we begin to find ourselves" -Henry David Thoreau 

Once again I have completely failed about posting in a timely manner, and I apologize. Truthfully the last few months have proven to be incredibly difficult for me, and I couldn't find much "hope" to write about. As time continues to pass, I was beginning to grow increasingly frustrated with how much I was still struggling in my life. After my train wreck of a freshman year, I got so wrapped up in just surviving and making it through the day, that I realized it had been a really long time since I had truly enjoyed my day, loved my life. And thats a hard realization to have when it is has been over a year and you still can't seem to find the strength to get through the week. Lucky for me, I have an amazing support system that held me up when I didn't have the strength on my own, but even still the last couple months haven't been my most optimistic and hopeful. Needless to say, I saved everyone a lot of really depressing posts by choosing simply not to write.

That being said, I am ecstatic to be back and ready to blog again. After spending time at home for the holidays, I realized (with the help of old friends) how much of myself I had lost by trying so hard to be "strong" like everyone believed I was. Then coming back to Marquette for second semester, I knew I had to make some serious changes to the way I was handling things. I wanted to start enjoying my time in college and stop simply willing myself to survive the 14 hours the elapsed between the time I woke up and the time I was able to crawl back into bed again. I'm not perfect, and I still have a very long way to come, but I firmly believe that I am on the right track, to finding the love and happiness that I know I can eventually have back in my life.

The semester has been a dream come true for me. I have been so blessed to get to see a lot of my family, which doesn't happen often. They have already been to Milwaukee two weekends, and next weekend I will meet them in NYC for an entire week. Add that to my amazing friends who gave me a birthday that I will remember forever, and I know that I have finally found the perfect people to share my life with. Lord knows we have had our ups and downs, but when it comes right down to it. They are the only ones who have stood by my side through everything, no questions asked and no ultimatums given. They have loved me unconditionally and I could not ask for a better support system.

I have so many amazing opportunities coming up in my life, interviews for incredible internships, dancing for a team I love in the Women's Big East Tournament and then cheering on our men in New York City. I am sad it has taken me so long to finally realize how much I have going for me, how much I have to be so happy about, but I know things are going to be changing in the next weeks... hopefully for the better. Thank you all for bearing with me as I try to work through the grief and the sadness. Thank you for continuing to read and for checking back daily to see if I have posted again. If anything has come from all of this, I think I have truly found myself, the self I am supposed to be and through it all I never lost hope. Even on the worst nights, I knew this day would finally come. A day when I could finally say I am okay, and truly mean it. It may have taken me a lot longer than I ever expected, but I think I have finally made it to a solid place where I can firmly believe that everything is going to be alright. :)

Once again my "you're-gonna-get-through-this" song... now in acoustic version!

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