"once you choose hope, anything is possible"

Saturday, December 28, 2013

what is this master plan anyways?

I didn't know it was possible to physically feel a heart break. I also didn't know that the pain of someone you love hurting was far greater than any pain I would ever come to know on my own. I have learned a lot in the last three years, but nothing could have possibly prepared me for the lessons I learned last night when my best friend told me that his mom lost her battle with cancer, and had passed to be in a better place without pain and suffering. We were states away and I swear with those words I felt the hole ripping through my chest. 

This year my hatred for cancer grew to heights I didn't think it would ever take. This year instead of feeling all the pain that comes with someone you know having this disease firsthand, I knew it all secondhand. This year instead of trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay, I had to listen to my best friend lose hope and admit to me that he didn't think his mom was going to make it. That hatred and that pain far surpasses anything I have ever felt in my life, and it is something I wish so desperately I could take away. My heart aches for him. Part of me wants this pain I am feeling to go away so badly, but the bigger part of me wants to be able to feel all of his pain for him so that he doesn't have to. I want to be able to go back in time and fix it all for him. I want to be able to hold him together like my family did for me as I fell to pieces in the kitchen last night. I think that's the worst part of all of this. I know there's not a damn thing I can do to make things any better, and if there is one thing I hate more than cancer, its feeling helpless.

My whole life I have heard people tell me that God has this master plan for us, and every hardship we encounter is just preparing us for what God has in store. The last three years have been a real test of faith for me, but this week is by far the biggest one. It's so hard to leave it all up to Him when I want so badly to be able to fix it on my own. I've never been a very trusting person, and trusting someone else to care for the people I love isn't an easy task, even if it is God. I know everything is going to be okay. I am hopeful, and faithful, and I know my friend's mom is in a better place where she is no longer in pain. I know my friend is the strongest human being I know and that he has all the support he needs to get through this. I know that even though I can't see a reason behind all of this right now, there has got to be something. 

I always feel as if I need to find the answers right away. I think that has a lot to do with why I stopped writing for so long, because I was looking for the answers. The truth is, right now I don't have any answers. I know all of these things but I am really struggling to let all these truths I know become bigger than the pain I feel. I know I can't take the pain away from him, but I don't know how to trust God enough to understand that he is still going to get through this. I don't know how to make this aching in my chest go away when I know that his never will. So until I figure this all out, if I even ever do, I will continue to pray and look for the little glimpses of hope in a life that really doesn't make sense to me anymore. For those of you reading that are religious in any way please light candle or say a prayer for a family who lost a mother too soon and a young man who had to grow up far too fast. 

I know I'll see you again - this side or the other