"once you choose hope, anything is possible"

Sunday, January 19, 2014

breaking the cycle

It always makes me nervous when I go to write a post about how well things are going. It's like I am scared to be truly happy because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It makes me sad that at 20 years old that's the first thing that comes to mind when I realize how well things are going, and it is something that I have thought a lot about these past couple days. 

For the first time in a really long time I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have spent a large part of the last couple years questioning if I was on the right track and doing the right thing. In the past couple weeks though I have realized that I am at a really great point in my life. I have two incredible jobs that not only challenge me, but bring me so much joy. I am dancing with 13 incredible girls and cheering for a team I adore. I am on a sorority high with recruitment right around the corner. I have a boy that makes me smile constantly, a family who supports me in everything I do (who I get to see in less than a month!), and I am living with 4 of my best friends where there is never a dull moment. And so I look around and realize how seriously lucky and blessed I am, but I can't help but look for the thing that's going to come into my life and screw all this happiness up again.

I remember my freshman year when I was in a really dark place a friend of mine told me I had to make sure the grief didn't win. It isn't really something I ever real thought about, I knew grief was temporary and that I would eventually be okay. It wasn't until this week as I was writing about how scared I was that something bad was hiding for me around the corner that I realized I had let the grief win. That famous quote "don't let your struggle become your identity," I let that happen in some ways. I don't know when or how it happened, but by being afraid to be happy, afraid to share how happy I am, I let the grief win.

So I'm done. I'm done being scared. I'm done minimizing my happiness because I feel like I shouldn't get to be that happy. I have a great life and I need to stop denying that for whatever reason I might have. My struggle might not have become my identity completely, but it definitely became a crutch, an excuse. From here on out I am really going to try to break that cycle. I am going to try to stop taking my happiness for granted and really embrace that I am where I am supposed to be right now. There might be something bad waiting for me around the corner, but that shouldn't make me any less happy today.