the power of a smile

School is finally back in session this week, and I never thought I would say it, but I am SO glad to be back. I don't think the homesickness will ever go away and I highly doubt the goodbyes will ever get easier, but at the end of everyday I know I am supposed to be here. Marquette has always been my home away from home and I am so excited that I am back for another incredible year. 

These last couple days have been pretty difficult for me. On top of trying to settle back in to living on my own, away from the constant support and help of my parents, a few challenges have been especially trying on my patience and optimism this week. Sometimes I just have to ask why, and yesterday was one of those days. Why can't I just have one solid week when nothing goes wrong; one week without stress, tears, and the constant longing for things to just be okay? After my pity party yesterday which ended with me calling my sister and asking to come over and watch a movie before crashing on her couch, I woke up determined to have a better day today. So I pasted on the smile, put on my favorite dress, and made a deal with myself that I wasn't going to let these issues get to me and ruin yet another day.

All things considered it was a pretty decent day. Honestly, decent was all I was looking for, no tears, no setbacks, just a normal day. I was well on my way to accomplishing this, but as I was walking out of class earlier, the boy who sits next to me said something that changed my whole day around. We were casually making small talk, discussing yet another riveting class of British Literature (note the sarcasm). It was such a simple and unimportant conversation, but when we went to walk our separate ways he looked at me and told me to keep smiling because it brightened his day. Okay, I know what you're all thinking now....that's it? And yes that's it, such a small comment and that kid probably won't ever think about it again. But for me, it meant the world. For me, it was the little reassurance that I needed to keep going, even when I don't want to anymore. I would have liked nothing more than to lay in bed and avoid everyone today, but I got up and went on with my day determined to have a better tomorrow. And I did. But even better, in the process I was able to make somebody else's day just a little bit happier. For all I know, this boy could be completely full of crap and didn't even notice my smile, but I truly don't care because it was the first time all day that my smile was completely and honestly genuine. There was no effort to the smile anymore, no more forced optimism or the constant mantra in my head "you're going to be okay," I was just happy and hopeful. So thank you to the boy who sits next to me, for truly making my day even when you had no idea how much I was struggling.

There's my glimpse of hope for the week, a simple smile and conversation. Overall though, kind people are what keep me hopeful. Everyone who has called to check up on me. the girl who offered me a tissue when she walked by my room yesterday and heard me crying on the phone with my mom, my best friend who brought me coffee at work today, and everyone that smiled at me today. So when you wake up tomorrow and go on with the rest of your day, make sure you smile, it could change someone's whole day around.

Here's a picture of my two favorite people in this world who NEVER fail to make me smile, and a link to one of my favorite "happy" songs. :) 

goodbyes suck.

I feel like just yesterday I was sitting in my freshman dorm room writing a post about the end of the school year, yet here I am sitting in front of an empty suitcase preparing to return to Milwaukee for my sophomore year. Everyone keeps asking me if I am ready to go back, and while yes I am so excited to get back to my friends and everything, I am once again faced with the difficult task of saying goodbye. If you've learned anything about me through my posts and my writing, it is that I am TERRIBLE with goodbyes. I hate being sad, I hate showing my emotions, I hate crying and I hate the headaches that come with the tears. This time though I am trying to look at it in a different way, this time I am taking the advice from a dear friend of mine and focusing on how lucky I am to have something so special that makes saying goodbye so difficult! 

I truly had an incredible summer, and I wouldn't change it for anything. While most of it was filled with work and doctor's appointments, I still got to spend a lot of time with my family and friends from high school. With my dad in the middle of changing jobs, he got to spend a lot more time at home than usual which meant tons of lake days and family outings. I loved getting to spend so much time with my little sisters, catching up on everything I missed while I was away at school. I also was reunited with some of my girlfriends from high school and adored getting to hear about all our different college adventures!

Saying goodbye always makes me think about everything I will miss. I hate that I won't be there for my sister's senior homecoming or get to watch her lead her drill team on the field every friday night. I will miss my baby sister's first day of eight grade and only hear about my niece and nephew growing up through phone calls. I hate that I won't be home for all the important things, and I hate that my family won't be around for all my important events. Like I said earlier though, how lucky am I that I have such an incredible family that makes goodbyes so difficult. I know Marquette is where I am supposed to be. Its scary and I feel like every time I leave it just gets harder and harder, but I have faith that it will somehow all turn out in the end. Until then phone calls and Skype will be my best friend as always and I can't wait until Thanksgiving when I will get to see my family again!

full of hope

This week has honestly been such a happy and hopeful week, one that has reassured me that in the end, everything really is going to be okay. 

My week started with my last shift at Rally House, a store that I have worked at for two years. When I walked into Rally House for the first time during the beginning weeks of my senior year, I never imagined I would come to be part of such a special family. Like with most jobs, I had a lot of ups and downs, but in the end I was sad to be working my last hours with a company that I have learned to love. The incredible people that I was blessed to work with have taught me so much, and while I was sad to be ending this part of my life, I am so excited for what is to come. I couldn't have asked for a better last shift either. I worked with the manager that I worked my very first shift with and many of my favorite RH employees (whether still employed or not) came into the store so I got to say goodbye. It was a bittersweet day, but I am so hopeful for my new job which I get to start in three weeks and I know the people I left behind at Rally House will always be a part of my life.

The rest of the week I was blessed to spend time with my family! My parents were out of town this weekend, which meant I was mom for the two days. While I do not envy my mother's job at all and finally realized how difficult it must have been to raise six girls, I loved getting to spend so much time with little sisters, especially the baby. I know I have mentioned before how fast she grew up, but it was so fun to hear her talk about boys, make up, and the start of her 8th grade year. She has always been my baby sister, but this weekend I got to see that she wasn't such a baby anymore. On top of quality time with the girls, today my grandparents and uncle's family came to visit! I got to spend all morning listening to my grandpa tell stories about life on the farm and all night watching the little cousins play in the pool. I am such a sucker for family time, and I am loving every almost every minute of having everyone together!

On top of just an overall really good week, I have been surrounded by so many glimpses of hope. This morning on my way to a doctor's appointment, I stopped at Starbucks because I was running pretty early. While I was there, the barista asked me if I was going to meet anyone else because they had made an extra drink. When I explained that I was going to an office, the manager told me to call and get their drink orders, and then proceeded to give me the four drinks for free. Random acts of kindness always put a smile on my face, and I know it made the morning of the four woman in the office :) 

This week I also started reading The Letter by Marie Tillman, the wife of Corporal Pat Tillman who was killed in action in Afghanistan. What I thought would be an overall depressing book was actually one full of hope, peace, and happiness. Her account of her journey was so beautifully written that I was in tears throughout most of it, but I finished the last page feeling so hopeful. I HIGHLY recommend the book for anyone dealing with any sort of hardship, or anyone at all. Marie Tillman is the epitome of a glimpse of hope, the way that she overcome the tragedy that she was faced with so early in life is absolutely incredible.

My time in Dallas is winding down, so I am trying to get as much out of my final weeks as possible. It is still so weird for me to think that this is pretty much the last time that I will be living in Dallas. Of course I will still come home for holidays this year, but with my family continuing their adventure elsewhere and my life being primarily in Wisconsin now, my time in Texas is coming to an end. This has been a wonderful place for me, but I am so hopeful for my future. This week has left me incredibly happy and ready to take on this next stage in my life continuing to gather all my glimpses of hope :)

opening old wounds

This last week I had yet another of my infamous talks with my mom, just about how everything has been going. I finally admitted to her and to myself why this summer has been so hard on me. Being back in Dallas, back in my old room with my old job and my old friends, has made me reflect on how much I have changed this last year. I am a completely different person and it has been so difficult to be reminded everyday of the carefree, naive person that I used to be. With the reflection on my change comes all the memories that I have worked so hard to repress for the last year, and then the realization that I haven't really been dealing with my grief at all, just hiding it until something else happened to remind me. 

Since our conversation I have thought a lot about well, basically everything; life, love, loss, the list goes on. As I tried to regain a grasp on everything, a familiar bible verse came into mind.This bible verse was first introduced to me when my friend, Anna, began her fight against cancer and the 1 Million 4 Anna prayer chain was established. It was her favorite bible verse and one that the whole foundation has adopted as inspiration in times of difficulties. Over the past 18 months I have recited the verse often and have drawn strength from it as well as from the memory of the beautiful girl that held the verse so near to her heart. Despite seeing and saying it on a daily basis, I haven't truly reflected upon what these simple words mean until now.

Be Joyful in Hope: I have said it before and I will say it again, I am SO blessed to have the family and friends that I do. I am surrounded by so much love and support that I am continually amazed on a daily basis. I know I can handle any difficulty that is thrown at me simply because I have incredible people to help me up when I cannot do it on my own. I am joyful knowing that everything will be okay in the end, everything will find a way to work out. I have had to rely on my hope to get through troubling times in the past and I will continue to do so. I find so much happiness in the hope of tomorrow and the future that I am working towards.


Be Patient in Affliction: Hard times don't last forever. It is as simple as that. Eventually this will pass, eventually things will be okay again. You just have to get through each day, because days become weeks, and weeks become years. Before you know it, you're looking back on the year and thinking "I made it." I have to be patient with myself knowing that there will be bad days despite all the good days, and that is okay. 


Be Faithful in Prayer: I was born and raised Catholic. I have went to church every Sunday, prayed before every meal, and had a rosary by my bed for as long as I can remember. It wasn't until more recently that I truly learned to rely on my faith, and it amazes me that I ever got through the days before. My faith has been my rock, and without it I honestly do not know how I would convince myself to get out of bed every morning. There is so much hope and promise in prayer, knowing that there is someone up there looking out for me and listening to my pleas. 


Maybe coming home to Dallas has opened old wounds and brought back memories that I am not sure I want anymore, but my past has made me who I am. As much as I wish I could forget, I know that I cannot. Now all that's left to do is work towards accepting my past, but still hoping on the future. 

Little Miss Happiness

This week's inspiration is going to be short and sweet. (sorry for the profanity Daddy)

If you have not seen Little Miss Sunshine, I highly suggest it. On top of being just an overall really funny movie, the underlying theme is something that I think people lose sight of too often; do what you love and screw everything else. Life is too short to be miserable and it is too short to waste your time doing things that don't make you happy. Too often people lose sight of their dreams or settle for things of convenience or they take the easy way out. 

As much as I HATE the twitter fad #YOLO (you only live once), they were on to something. People rarely get second chances to go back and follow their dreams. If you live your whole life making concessions and losing sight of the things you love, happiness is going to be really hard to find.  

Have a good week everyone! 

another angel

For the past thirteen months, every time I have felt myself start moving on, start getting back to normal life, something happens: another death, another tragedy, another something. When I finally started feeling somewhat okay after Anna's death, Michaela passed away. And after Michaela, it was the call that Mason had died, on and on until here I am again praying for the soul of another life lost too soon. This time though it was my sister who got the call. My sister who was my strength and rock through the deaths of the last year. As I sat and held her while she cried, all I could think was "why us?" "Why is this happening again?" and what am I supposed to say now. 

I could go with the responses that I heard all last year. "He is in a better place, a place without pain," or "He is watching over you right now and wouldn't want you to be sad." I could tell her that life goes on even when we don't want it to or that she's a lot stronger than she thinks and can handle this. It is all true and I believe it with every bone in my body, but even still, it doesn't make the pain any less. It doesn't make losing him any more bearable.

If I have learned anything through all of this loss, it is that life is truly to short. I know it sounds cheesy, and the first time someone told me that I probably rolled my eyes, but the truth is, there are so many things that I wish I could've said, wish I could've done while my loved ones were still here. In my conversations with my sister today, I know she feels the same. My mom called today to check in and see how my sister was holding up, and while I explained to her that I was simply at a loss for words, she reminded me that we all needed to stop taking life for granted. 

I know I did my weekly inspiration already in which I exclaimed that my family could basically get through anything. While that is still true, there is something bigger that we need to keep in mind. We may not get tomorrow, we may not have another chance to tell the people we love what we need to tell them. So as you all go to bed tonight, think about what you need to say, what you need to do. And do it. Tell your friends you love them, hug your family a little tighter, remind your sister that she is cherished, and help your brother even if you don't have the time. It may be sad, it may be morbid, but live everyday like you won't have tomorrow. Too often there is no tomorrow, and no one is prepared.

As for all those that were affected by this most recent death, my thoughts and prayers are with you always. I only knew him through my sister's stories (there were some pretty great ones), but I know he was an incredible person and that he will be missed so very much. Please be careful everyone, let this be a lesson in more ways than one. Life is fragile, it is not fair, and it can be taken in any moment. I can't take the pain away no matter how much I wish I could, but I can hope for the future. I know that things get better, I am living proof. It is hard, it is scary, and it is so sad; but it does get better. Life goes on <3

Rest in Paradise Aaron Brandt July 5, 2012

this too shall pass

I know I am a day late on my Sunday Inspiration, but it has been a crazy weekend (I will fill you in later). This last week I have continued to be amazed by the sheer amount of speed bumps that my family has had to overcome in the last year. Each and every time something happens, I am pleasantly surprised by the way we come together in order to make things right again. 

 Today's inspiration is one that I hold very dear to my heart. It is something I remind myself of everyday because each and every obstacle the I have encountered this last year have made me into the person I am today. I am continually surprised by my incredible support system every time something happens because the truth is, "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." Until this year, I was blessed to have never known real tragedy or real problems, and now that my life has been changed because of the people I have met and the friends that I have lost, my outlook on strength and support has completely changed.

For all you struggling this week, remember you can do it. Each and every one of us has the strength we need to overcome any difficulty we may encounter. Even when it feels like too much, look around and reach out to the support surrounding you. In the end, the sun will rise again and everything will be okay. If its not okay, its not the end.

Have a wonderful week everyone!