welcome to the dark side

To say this is a post I never thought I'd be writing is an understatement, a post talking about my introduction to life as a sorority girl. Anyone who knew me in high school, knows how skeptical I was of Greek life and I am sure they are all sitting there right now saying "I told you so." Freshman year I watched as all my friends vented about recruitment and then celebrated with pictures of bid day complete with matching shirts, bows, and lots of "throw what you know" hand signs, and I sat there thinking, never me. Fast forward a really long and difficult year of me trying to find my place at Marquette and all the sudden I am on the phone with my mom explaining to her that I was on my way to my first recruitment event.

Honestly, the whole situation comes down to good timing. I was invited to do informal recruitment, thanks to some heavy bragging by close friends of mine already in sororities, and it just happened that I didn't have any former commitments to dance or work that weekend. Add that to a pretty emotional week in September and me looking for any distraction I could find, I found myself standing around a crowded sorority house talking about myself. And I don't care how cheesy it sounds, as soon as I stepped foot in the little blue house on the corner of 17th and Kilbourne, I knew I was home. For the first time in a really long while, I felt like I had found the place I truly belonged. As I sat around talking with other education majors, other girls that volunteered on weekends, other girls that had recognized me from church on the week nights, I knew that there was no question about whether or not this was the place for me and luckily the sorority felt the same.

Still a little skeptical of the Greek life, I walked into my pledging ceremony on September 17. Anyone recognize that date? After spending all day willing myself through the one year anniversary, I was greeted with hugs from strangers when a close friend of mine pulled me aside and told me that she loved me, a simple gesture that many other girls in the sorority picked up on and immediately knew this day signified a lot more than a pledging ceremony for me. I was immediately pulled aside by a few girls that I had never spoken to in my life. They told me that they had no idea what was going on, but that they were always there for me. And they have held to their word 100%. The girls of the Alpha Xi Delta sorority have completely wrapped their arms around me and supported me through things they aren't even aware of. 

Six weeks in and I already feel like I have been apart of this family for a lifetime. So yes I have become that cliche sorority girls who raves that her big is the best, because she honestly is, and claims that AXiD has changed my life, because it has. It is such a blessing to be accepted for all my flaws, all my past, and all my hopes for the future, and trust me these girls know the worst of it. I am still getting used to walking around in letters and using the term "sisters" to describe anyone but my five sisters, but I truly am counting my blessings and thanking God that I was led to this organization. 

productive procrastination

Having my computer at work is a dangerous thing. I always come with the highest expectations of starting papers and finishing homework, and then suddenly I've spent three hours online shopping and checking all my social media 15,000 times....because that is so necessary and productive. This morning my website of choice was Pinterest. While I am not going to try and argue that this was a valuable use of my time, I really did find a lot of inspiration as I was flipping through the different boards. Between all the completely unreasonable clothing items, unrealistic wedding dreams, and delicious recipes that I will never be able to make, there were a lot of quotes/songs/pictures that show the hope that other people see and use in their everyday lives. Naturally, I thought I would share :)

I love, love, love this quote and I think it is so important for everyone to remember. People will not always remember what we do or say, but they will remember how we make them feel. Everyone has the opportunity to make or break someone else's day, so be good to people.

This is something that I saw and was instantly brought to tears because I truly have never looked at loss this way. And it is such a beautiful way to look at it. I am a firm believer that lost loved ones are with us always, they will always be a part of who I am and who I will be. I love the thought of them as my little link to heaven. 

This next quote is something that I have to remind myself of every single day. It is so easy for me to get impatient, especially when I am having a bad day. I can't tell y'all how many times I have thought "when are things going to get better?" I know my time will come though, I know things will eventually get easier. I just have to stay focused on the fact that just because things are hard now, they won't always be. Timing is everything

Finally, my favorite picture that always makes me smile. I don't care if you are not a dog or a baby person, this picture is adorable. And a little reminder that laughter and smiles can unite everyone. Also a smile can make someones day :) I hope everyone has an incredible and hopeful weekend! And if your week hasn't been the best, hang in there. Your time will come, things will get better. 

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance" 

everything's gonna be alright

So it is official, I survived the endless week that I never thought I would make it through. It wasn't easy and I am thanking God everyday that it is over, but I once again was able to make it through thanks to the love and support that surrounds me. The amount of phone calls, supportive texts, and chocolate (sweets) I received last monday was so much that it brought me to tears many times, and I honestly will never be able to thank you all enough. I am seriously blessed beyond imagine to have such a strong and incredible group surrounding me to hold me up when I can't do it on my own anymore. I knew this anniversary was going to be the hardest for me, and I wasn't wrong. Monday sucked, it sucked a lot, and Tuesday pretty much sucked too. But it has been a week and I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I never stop missing Michaela and with her all the other angels we have lost this past year, but I know I have to keep going because that is what she they would want. 

Amongst the outpouring of support I received all week was a song link that a friend of mine sent me, which has now become my "theme song" for the rest of this month. I will be the first to admit that I have my doubts about Justin Bieber. My little sister as well as many of my girlfriends are obsessed, but I have never really been able to get into it. This song though is perfect and happy and just makes me smile. And let's be honest, sometimes we all need a little extra something to make us smile. Its been my go to when I am feeling down all week long.

I hope everyone is having a blessed, happy week and finding hope in everything! :)

milestones.

If someone were to ask me what I wore yesterday or even what I ate for breakfast, I would have no idea. I have the worst memory and I am the queen of mentally blocking myself from things I don't want to remember. Bad dates, failed tests, nights gone wrong, conversations ending in tears; no recollection. Honestly, I use my lack of memory as a coping mechanism. It is really great sometimes NOT to be able to remember every embarrassing, sad, or difficult moment. But one day stands out in my memory so vividly, one day that no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to shake.

I remember everything about September 17, 2011. I remember what I wore and that I went outside with my hair wet only to realize that it was the first chilly day of fall. I remember who I spoke to, what I had for lunch, and that my best friends surprised me by buying me coffee that morning. I remember that I was supposed to be at the Al Maguire Run but that I had slept through my alarm. I can tell you that I changed my outfit three times that day, that I got lost trying to drive downtown to dinner, and I can recite to you every conversation I had that day. But what I remember most was the tearful phone call from my baby sister, the three words that literally stopped my world, "Kels, Michaela died."

Since Michaela has died, every milestone has been a hardship. First we counted the weeks, and every saturday I would wake up with a heavy heart knowing that it had been one more week since she had left us. And then months passed until all of the sudden it was 2012, a year that Michaela would never live in. Now we're about to approach the one year milestone, and I'm honestly speechless. I remember sitting in my room after the phone call and thinking there is no possible way I could do this anymore, and now all of the sudden I have willed myself through an entire year of having to live without Michaela.

Michaela was one of those people that everyone loved. Brutally honest, she had a way of making me laugh even if I didn't want to. My entire senior year is filled with memories of us spending our lunch hour together with our friends, and constantly leaving the room in tears because I had been laughing so hard. I wish I would have embraced it more back then, I wish I would have kept in touch better after we left for school. Coming up on this huge milestone has made me think so much about everything she has missed, everything she will never get. I wish I could tell her how everything turned out. During our special "C" lunches we used to all just sit and talk about our problems. I wish I could tell her that it all worked out, that my mom's better than ever after the accident, that I love Marquette, and that after she passed away I spent an incredible year with the boyfriend she never thought would work out. I wish I could go back to that last Facebook message she sent me, and tell her how much she meant to me. I wish I would have known that was the last time we would talk, because I have a lot I never got to tell her.

The truth is, I miss her everyday. Yes milestones are harder, but when I wake up on the 17th I am not going to miss her anymore than I did on the 16th or will on the 18th. Everyday without her sucks. After she passed away everyone told me it gets easier with time, but a year later I am not really seeing how it gets easier. I still want to rewind the clock, I still wake up wishing that this has all been a nightmare, I still turn on my phone or computer expecting a message from her. I don't know when it gets easier, I don't know when the missing her stops. But I do agree with everyone on one thing, everything happens for a reason. I am struggling with that statement now more than ever, but I know something more has to come from this. I know something good has to come from all this loss, all this bad. So even though all I want to do for the next week until this year milestone comes is sit in bed and cry, I am going to get up every morning and keep looking for that reason in all of this. Because anyone who knew Michaela knows she would have some sarcastic comment and be pissed if she found out I was feeling sorry for myself. 

My thoughts and prayers are with her family and closer friends this week, as they always are. My lunch time with Michaela is something I will always cherish, but I do know that she had closer friends, and I cannot even imagine what they are going through this week, what they have went through this year. I do know that we are all so lucky to have known her though, to have had time with her, even if it was cut way too short.

Rest in Paradise beautiful angel, can't wait to see you again on the other side <3

awareness

The color yellow has always been my favorite and anyone who has ever walked into my room would know that, between the yellow blankets, pillows, and other random accents. The brightness and cheeriness of the color has always made me love it, but this week the color yellow holds an entirely different meaning.

 September is awareness month for Childhood Cancer and this week is Suicide Prevention week. Both of these causes are represented by a bright yellow ribbon. For those of you who don't read my blog on a weekly basis, last year I lost several friends to both cancer and suicide. My personal and emotional pull towards these causes are making me think extra hard this week about how important it is for people to be more aware and educated about these tragedies. This week is also helping me to reflect on how much I have changed in the last year. Last September, this week wouldn't have meant anything to me. Now I find myself fighting back tears every time I see a yellow ribbon, or Love written on someone's arm. 

So this week I will be sporting even more yellow than usual, and I hope many of you will join me in doing so. My thoughts and prayers are with anyone currently enduring a battle related to either cancer or suicide. I miss my friends, every minute of every day. I wish I would have known more about childhood cancer and suicide before. I wish the reason I knew so much about it now was different. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I don't understand or like the reason all the time, but I know there is one. If my friend's stories can help anyone through something they are enduring, that is a reason. If Awareness and Prevention weeks even help to inform just one person, that is a reason.

And a special prayer in remembrance of all those lives lost 11 years ago today, for the families and friends who lost their loved ones, and for the men and women who are still fighting overseas to protect our country. Thank you.

the power of a smile

School is finally back in session this week, and I never thought I would say it, but I am SO glad to be back. I don't think the homesickness will ever go away and I highly doubt the goodbyes will ever get easier, but at the end of everyday I know I am supposed to be here. Marquette has always been my home away from home and I am so excited that I am back for another incredible year. 

These last couple days have been pretty difficult for me. On top of trying to settle back in to living on my own, away from the constant support and help of my parents, a few challenges have been especially trying on my patience and optimism this week. Sometimes I just have to ask why, and yesterday was one of those days. Why can't I just have one solid week when nothing goes wrong; one week without stress, tears, and the constant longing for things to just be okay? After my pity party yesterday which ended with me calling my sister and asking to come over and watch a movie before crashing on her couch, I woke up determined to have a better day today. So I pasted on the smile, put on my favorite dress, and made a deal with myself that I wasn't going to let these issues get to me and ruin yet another day.

All things considered it was a pretty decent day. Honestly, decent was all I was looking for, no tears, no setbacks, just a normal day. I was well on my way to accomplishing this, but as I was walking out of class earlier, the boy who sits next to me said something that changed my whole day around. We were casually making small talk, discussing yet another riveting class of British Literature (note the sarcasm). It was such a simple and unimportant conversation, but when we went to walk our separate ways he looked at me and told me to keep smiling because it brightened his day. Okay, I know what you're all thinking now....that's it? And yes that's it, such a small comment and that kid probably won't ever think about it again. But for me, it meant the world. For me, it was the little reassurance that I needed to keep going, even when I don't want to anymore. I would have liked nothing more than to lay in bed and avoid everyone today, but I got up and went on with my day determined to have a better tomorrow. And I did. But even better, in the process I was able to make somebody else's day just a little bit happier. For all I know, this boy could be completely full of crap and didn't even notice my smile, but I truly don't care because it was the first time all day that my smile was completely and honestly genuine. There was no effort to the smile anymore, no more forced optimism or the constant mantra in my head "you're going to be okay," I was just happy and hopeful. So thank you to the boy who sits next to me, for truly making my day even when you had no idea how much I was struggling.

There's my glimpse of hope for the week, a simple smile and conversation. Overall though, kind people are what keep me hopeful. Everyone who has called to check up on me. the girl who offered me a tissue when she walked by my room yesterday and heard me crying on the phone with my mom, my best friend who brought me coffee at work today, and everyone that smiled at me today. So when you wake up tomorrow and go on with the rest of your day, make sure you smile, it could change someone's whole day around.

Here's a picture of my two favorite people in this world who NEVER fail to make me smile, and a link to one of my favorite "happy" songs. :) 

goodbyes suck.

I feel like just yesterday I was sitting in my freshman dorm room writing a post about the end of the school year, yet here I am sitting in front of an empty suitcase preparing to return to Milwaukee for my sophomore year. Everyone keeps asking me if I am ready to go back, and while yes I am so excited to get back to my friends and everything, I am once again faced with the difficult task of saying goodbye. If you've learned anything about me through my posts and my writing, it is that I am TERRIBLE with goodbyes. I hate being sad, I hate showing my emotions, I hate crying and I hate the headaches that come with the tears. This time though I am trying to look at it in a different way, this time I am taking the advice from a dear friend of mine and focusing on how lucky I am to have something so special that makes saying goodbye so difficult! 

I truly had an incredible summer, and I wouldn't change it for anything. While most of it was filled with work and doctor's appointments, I still got to spend a lot of time with my family and friends from high school. With my dad in the middle of changing jobs, he got to spend a lot more time at home than usual which meant tons of lake days and family outings. I loved getting to spend so much time with my little sisters, catching up on everything I missed while I was away at school. I also was reunited with some of my girlfriends from high school and adored getting to hear about all our different college adventures!

Saying goodbye always makes me think about everything I will miss. I hate that I won't be there for my sister's senior homecoming or get to watch her lead her drill team on the field every friday night. I will miss my baby sister's first day of eight grade and only hear about my niece and nephew growing up through phone calls. I hate that I won't be home for all the important things, and I hate that my family won't be around for all my important events. Like I said earlier though, how lucky am I that I have such an incredible family that makes goodbyes so difficult. I know Marquette is where I am supposed to be. Its scary and I feel like every time I leave it just gets harder and harder, but I have faith that it will somehow all turn out in the end. Until then phone calls and Skype will be my best friend as always and I can't wait until Thanksgiving when I will get to see my family again!